On being single.

go ahead, roll your eyes.
I would too, with that title.

let me begin this post with a disclaimer:

I am not about to launch into an entire essay about
how wonderful and joyful being single is...
that'd be like saying grass is purple.

heck, just earlier this week I was emailing all my girlfriends/accountability/anybody
 about how much I was struggling with singleness.

it's hard.
just this week,
i've never been asked SO MUCH "why aren't you dating??"


my parents and I chatted about family last night over dinner.
(not my future prospects of a family)

but the one I'm in right now 
with them, with the siblings, all the extended family,
and then all the circles of people that kind of overlap that:
work, our church, and so on,
and then all the "drama" and hard stuff
that we're trying to figure out at the moment.

our conversation was centered around one main theme, i think:
we are all very layered and complicated.

I'm currently in the muck of all these complicated layers,
you too, right?
of years and years of hurt and triumph,
all these things that make human relationships such a pain and such a joy
it's a dance of humility and sacrifice
and acknowledging daily God's relentless love for us.

I see this in so many things in my life:
those rare honest conversations with my brother,
carpool with my sister,
dinner the other night with my cousins,
morning meetings with my coworkers,
my community at church, from camp,
and just last night's dinner with the parents.


Here it is!
That entire cliche of singleness being a gift from God,
I can't be bothered searching for "people to love on in my life."
haha, again, that'd be like looking for some purple grass,
when the honest green stuff is right under my nose.
these people are RIGHT HERE.
riiiight in front of me.

I'm slowly but surely beginning to understand
my role and my heart in their lives,
and theirs in mine.

Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 7:
"And don’t be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else.
Where you are right now is God’s place for you.
and obey
 and love 
and believe 
right there."

Last night, God graciously opened my eyes
and affirmed my place in this whole dance,
it's an awkward and very challenging routine, actually..
especially for someone completely uncoordinated,

but He definitely knows that,
and He still thinks this is the perfect spot for me to do a little two-step..

with Him leading of course.



Today I cried at work.


nothing weepy or loud and obnoxious,
just two quiet streams running down my face 
and ruining my scrappy foundation job from that morning.

It was nothing that anyone did to me, really.
I was just frustrated. annoyed. angry. confused. 
with myself.

WHY can't I figure out this image?!
(I create editorial images for this site)

I have been feeling quite stuck the past few weeks.
Meeting up with me must've been really exhausting,
cause all I can do is complain about how busy I am
 and how tired I am from being busy.

but being in that embarrassing, snotty, teary mess today..
I hit a wall.

and when I hit walls, I turn off my computer and read my bible.
or read: I finally think to run to Jesus.

and that there..that's what it is.
Sure, I'll continue to struggle at work, 
the learning curve will continue to be unknown and extremely steep.
but I can't bank on myself, my skills, my knowledge, my yadayada.
heck, I can have all the talents in the world
and have nothing.

I need to be looking for God in everything, with everything.



1. "In him we find the wisdom, strength, and reason for hope that we have been lacking. 
Far more than happy feelings and accurate understanding, 
Christ gives me reason to continue in something that would have long since defeated me."
from 'Relationships: A Mess Worth Making"

2. "He is before all things,
and in Him all things hold together."
Colossians 1:17

God is good.