My mom's never been the kind of mom I read about in books growing up.
None of that physical affection or soft, sweet words of encouragement.
Not to say, she is the complete opposite of that. no no. 
It's a quiet kind of love that takes a bit of time and pondering to really reveal. 

I read about all of these magical moments that moms experience when they first have their baby. 
I imagine it to be a very raw, first hand experience of loving like God does, a glimpse of his unconditional love. I imagine it to be like a sudden rush, overwhelming. you know, the ooey-gooey, indescribable stuff that you can't grasp, can't put into words. 

I'm not a mom. So I can only imagine and be dramatic and use a lot of adjectives. 


A few weeks ago, my mom and I had a pretty honest, loud argument. 
A good couple of hours was spent talking at each other. I was trying so hard to get my point across, trying to be heard, trying to be right. LET IT BE KNOWN that the 22 year old is more mature than her own mother. hah!

It ended with both of us even more frustrated and me walking back to my room, defeated. 
My dad came in my room and asked me to give my mom a hug before she slept.
I thought that was a really stupid request. I just fought with the lady, why would I hug her? 
That's ridiculous. 
My body wouldn't allow it. 

I've been trying to meditate on the love verses these past couple of weeks. 
And as I lay there thinking about the silliness that just happened, I remembered my verse that week:

"Love does not envy, it does not boast. It is not prideful."

I fought it! Real hard! 
But the Spirit quickly pointed out the very thing I was fighting all night: my good ole PRIDE. 
yeah, that. 

I lugged my body over to my parents' room and, in the most monotone-i'm-still-angry-voice, asked my parents if we could pray. 

We held hands.
My mom prayed first. 
And I realized, God was listening.
I felt silly. small. incapable. 

And I remembered all those blogs that I read about the magical mom moment.
Maybe my mom did experience that when she had me, I don't know.
But this mother-daughter relationship isn't built on that foundation of thee magical mom moment.

As I sat there, in prayer with my parents, I realized that this was the *magic* that was our glue.
God's more patient and gentle love for each of us, heals. calms. convicts.
His love teaches us to pursue loving each other, more deeply.
It's true.

- - -

"For Ragamuffins, God's name is Mercy. We see our darkness as a prized possession because it drives us into the heart of God. Without mercy our darkness would plunge us into despair - for some, self-destruction. Time alone with God reveals the unfathomable depths of the poverty of the spirit. We are so poor that even our poverty is not our own: It belongs to the mysterium tremendum of a loving God." 

- Brennan Manning 



One thing I miss a lot after getting this job is
not being able to pick up this preschooler from class Wednesday-Friday.
She was a total chatterbox--
I could ask her the same questions every day and it wouldn't be awkward.

Anyway, got me thinking about kindergarten haha
...and I remember a lot of it.

So a list..

1. Fake oreo cavities on my back molars 
2. No running with scissors allowed 
3. No writing "8" with two circles 
4. Sitting by the chalkboard cause I chatted too much 
5. Fracturing my arm and a buddy helping me cut paper 
6. Kids going to speech class and wondering what that was all about 
7. Mini restrooms in our class
8. Sitting on my own carpet square 
9. Listening to the kost on the freeway 
10. Toys r us giraffe
11. Halloween costume parades, pretty sure I just wore orange that year
12. Kitchenette



working 9 to 5..
what a way to make a living!

- - -

I've been busy away from this little corner of the interweb,
thanks to a newly acquired job!

one that involves a gigantic imac (my my, those screens are HUGE),
relentless traffic, and work that I really do love.

There have been moments throughout my day where several thoughts cross my mind:

1. They really needed an ILLUSTRATOR??!

2. I love what I get to do!

3. I'm so blessed.

It's easy to let these good happenings and encouraging back pats get to my head.
I want to credit myself, for everything that's happened.

but y'all know, that clearly wasn't the case. 

I've been searching and continue to wander into the wrong things,
thinking I surely know what I need for myself. 
But my capacity to know and foresee the future quickly hits a wall.

God continues to surprise me with His even greater providence and sovereignty.

He's bigger.

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay
to show that this all-surpassing power is
from God and not from us.
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed;
perplexed, but not in despair;
persecuted, but not abandoned;
struck down, but not destroyed."
2 Corinthians 4:7-9



Back from a weekend out in the armpit of California..
or Fresno.

haha. that nickname is seriously spot on.

Our campground was so so hot and dry, ant infested, 
and seriously brought out the first world diva in me. 
it's true. 

and you know,
it could've been a weekend plagued by 
these really gross and sticky circumstances.

but i was in great company,
and that definitely trumped anything else,
PLUS there was a beautiful fresh lake to waddle into. 

all the yuck and muck could only be left behind in the thick mud by the shore,
making it such a great labor day weekend away from suburbia.

He is such an amazing Creator with these little pockets of paradise.
I got a glimpse of that, both in amazing lakes and new/old friendships.
God is good!