Messy Good.

pretty much the look I had going today

Coming off a morning of a total roller coaster of emotions.
I must admit, I can be completely dramatic at times.
Tears and frustration and anger made for a morning of puffy eyes.
What little double eyelid I had became mono lid. 

The last few days of feeling so much self inflicted pressure and insecurity
 finally cracked this morning with a simple question 
from my well meaning, but concerned parents:

"Are you applying for jobs?"

I know I keep talking about this..

but honestly, this blog was not purposed for me to give amazing DIY tips 
or to simply show off little illustrations I make here and there. 
(though I COMPLETELY admire and respect blogs who keep that up. honestly, you're on my feedly.)
there are zero filters or pretty how-to's today..

my biggest beef with my parents asking these career questions 
is that I didn't want them to see career = sucess. 
I could have the best job out there and still not be a good person.
Obviously, there's a lot of character building that needs to take place
(and the good Lord is making real sure of that!)

I've also been thinking a lot about why I'm even "art-ing."
I literally was laying in bed the other afternoon, pondering.
super dramatic, 
but necessary.

I was sick of just making things, posting them, and hoping for fish to take the bait.
It seemed so silly.
How many more cycles of this could I go through?
What was the greater purpose in this?

So I'm praying for a little more clarity in this.
God, how can this gift be for you?
What's this big picture?
What are the little steps forward that I can take?

And if you could join me in prayer, that would be awesome.

- - -

I'm grateful though.
Blessed to have parents and a family that allow me to be gross, puffy eyed me.
to let me express my wiiiide range of emotions.
to patiently hear me out, yet still remind me of a hope that is beyond me.
Families are messy.
and it's true, deeply rooted families and relationships require so. much. heartache.
but in that comes joy and an unconditional love that could only be stemmed from God's grace.

I mean, Jesus himself.
a messy, unjust death
that allowed for resurrection and beautiful new life. for us.


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